When You Finally Break Through

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I’ll be the first to admit it, 2015 started out awful, it had a great high with the writer’s conference. After that, my stability was chipped to pieces. It was the worst year of my chronic pain and illnesses, I was going from doctor to doctor, each one swearing they knew how to fix it. I was let down, multiple times, by people who I had loved and trusted, who were close to me and I was more vulnerable. My depression was at an all-time high and I was asking doctors to refer me to a psychologist because I realized that I needed some professional help.

Suicidal thoughts swarmed my brain and I came to the sad conclusion in my last post that I may never be well again. When I said so to my boyfriend, thankfully, he believed for me that I would be well when I couldn’t even believe it myself. I felt abandoned by people and couldn’t understand why God couldn’t just throw some healing my way from the sky. But it was all in good time if it hadn’t been for the journey, if it hadn’t been for all of the pain physically and mentally, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I wouldn’t have met all the other wonderful people who are fighting their own battles and we do all have our own battles to fight. I wouldn’t have learned to depend on God, instead of doctors and medications.

My dermatologist told me up front that he didn’t care about my pain, it was the last time I went to see him.

The pain management doctor that I believed could truly make a difference ended up causing a chronic migraine that lasted for two and a half MONTHS. When that didn’t work, he told me to exercise an hour a day, 6 days a week. And not to come back until I could do that for three months.

My rheumatologist told me just keep on working at my job, I told her I had already lost it from not even being able to walk.

On top of my pain, the chronic migraine and nausea limited what I could eat and it was a struggle just to find things that wouldn’t make me feel sick.

Then, just when I had given up, just when I thought that pain was forever. I got a comment on my last post, telling me to look into a holistic doctor and I did some research and found one. He wasn’t anti-medication, but going over things we realized how many medications had caused issues which led to my depression which led to me feeling worse and having more trouble sleeping in an endless loop.

One night when I was still awake at 7 am after a night of struggling to sleep, I saw a friend posting about how well she had slept, how her chronic pain was going down. I inquired about it and looked into Plexus. It wasn’t some miracle drug that just cures all your diseases, but it does help regulate your body systems and at this point I felt like my body was falling apart. Instead of grasping at straws, this time, I sat down and prayed about it and asked God to provide the money for me to get it. I also talked about it with my holistic doctor.

Within 5 days of taking it, my sleep had improved and my migraine had gone away for the first time in two and half months. I felt better on the inside, more peaceful, not so depressed, almost happy. Truly happy for the first time in a long time, not because my situation had changed, but just because I felt better on the inside.

I realized just how badly my body had suffered on the inside from all of the medications that I had been on and yes, all of my poor food choices beforehand. I could really only blame so much on the medications themselves.

After seven years of chronic illnesses and pain, I finally had a break through.

I’ve been taking it for almost a month now and the changes inside my body have been phenomenal. I wish that more doctors would tell people about natural changes and supplements that can help our bodies to recover, but I also take responsibility for not looking into it sooner myself.

My chronic pain is not completely gone, I still have a mild bit of pain in my back. But it is nothing like it was before, I have much more energy every day, I’ve said goodbye to chronic fatigue! I sleep deeply at night again and don’t keep waking up. I’ve been losing tons of inches around my waist, suicidal thoughts no longer cloud my mind, everything is clear again and some days I feel like I’m in a dream compared to where I was last year.

Before I started Plexus, I had come off all of my medications for Fibromyalgia under the guidance of doctors, not on my own. I am now only taking Synthroid, for my hypothyroidism, and a medication for migraine prevention. Otherwise, I’m just taking my supplements and feeling happy and healthy. My body has almost fully recovered to the point where I feel I can exercise again.

Most importantly, I feel like I can live again.

I wanted to share this because I would not have known about this as an option if someone had not shared it with me. I thank God every day for helping to guide me, providing for me and for starting out 2016 with so much positivity and hope. I’m thankful for everyone who believed for me to be well when I couldn’t believe it myself.

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I know that Plexus is not a cure for diseases, but what it does for the inside of your body is truly amazing. I didn’t try out Plexus originally for the weight loss, I just knew my body was really messed up and could definitely use help with regulating everything. I take the Tri-Plex and Xfactor, along with 1000mg extra Vitamin D, as was suggested to me by my holistic doctor, and 1000mg calcium a day.

I have learned the importance of taking care of our bodies and every day I’m making smarter food choices, it’s like a load has been lifted off of my mind. All that time I was chasing after different medications to try, what I really should have been focusing on was giving my body the tools it needed to fight back and slowly heal the damage done.

I know this was a long post, but I haven’t updated for a while and had a lot to get off of my mind, thanks for reading through to the end!  God bless! ❤ Thank you to everyone who was still supporting my blog while I was away.

Dance Like Everyone’s Watching

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Dancing is probably one of the most therapeutic things I’ve ever done, or singing, or both! The day after I got the news that my treatment wasn’t happening after all though I had looked forward to being pain and disease free, it all came crashing down. I felt the familiar depression and despair grabbing ahold of me, telling me all the lies that I’ve fought so long.

You’ll never be well. It’s hopeless. You’ll only get worse.

All lies.

It used to be that when I felt down I’d put on sad music and cry with it. Nowadays, I put on my happiest most encouraging worship songs. I fling embarrassment to the side and I dance, I sing at the top of my lungs and have an all-out good time.

Normally they say dance like no one’s watching, but my motto is dance like everyone’s watching. Because they are. Whether I’m at home or out and about dancing my way through the stores to keep myself in a positive frame of mind, occasionally I’m approached by people who tell me how positive I am, how good it is to see someone so happy. They also tell me they wish they could be so happy, no matter what.

Well, I’m here to tell you, I haven’t got it easy. No one does, I have to choose to try to look on the brightest side every day. I still cry, and if people could see into the darkness of my mind some days I’m sure they’d be more than a little concerned. But instead, I dance, I laugh and I think about all the positive things in my life.

When I found out once again that I wasn’t going to be all better, something shifted inside of me, what if I’m never better? It was a panicked thought at first, but as it started to settle I realized just as I tackled college without waiting to better, I shouldn’t be waiting to be “better” to be and do everything that I have in mind.

It’s just another chance to rebuild myself and one day it will just be added to the stories I can tell of how I managed to overcome. So, if you’re having a bad day, loosen up a bit. Put on your favorite song, stand up and dance around and sing at the top of your lungs. (If you get weird looks from anyone around you and they know the song, they should be singing too!)

Dance like everyone’s watching, because they are. And I bet they could use a little brightening up of their day too.

Need a bouncy song to get you started? I’ve got you covered:

Change

It won't always be this wayChange is something that I have had to come to terms with. I was never someone who was always happy even when things changed, I was very resistant to change. I would stay within the same friendships simply for fear of change. Toxic or not, I was a people pleaser so I would do whatever was necessary to avoid the change. I dreaded change. I liked things to be organized, I liked to know what was coming and when it was coming.

I had planned my life out neatly.

I would simply obsess over going to school, overachieve, get a great job, and rise up the ladder of whatever career I had chosen. I would rise quickly because I was a hard worker. I could do anything. But then my health changed.

I struggled and I resisted change because all I knew of it was that it was scary and whenever I felt well enough I kept trying to go back to my plans. I kept trying to reorganize my life. Now I recognize life for what it is, a messy disorganized journey that is forever changing.

Jobs change, people change, friendships change, life changes.

Pain changes, the pain stays, seasons come and go. Most importantly, I change. Every time I had to resign from a job I would cry and cry for weeks at least and even now I may still get teary-eyed if I dwell on it too long. Instead with my free time, I started writing again and creating art. I hope to one day open up a little Etsy shop when I have worked out more designs. I realized that while I was resisting and fighting the change, all of it really just resolved itself. I always wanted to be an artist, a writer, and a chef. That is exactly what I am right now. The pain slows me down and limits me some, but really it just makes me put my priorities in order and plan out my days carefully.

Did I get here in the way that I planned? No. Am I making a lot of money right now? Of course not! Change isn’t easy and things don’t work out perfectly by themselves, it takes time. And time is what I have right now, so I’m making the most of it.

Change happens whether we plan on it or not. Not all change is bad change, many changes are actually good. I’ve managed to start taking control of my life and making good changes, emotionally and physically. Sometimes you just have to do your best to look at the bright side and enjoy the day that you’re living right now. This day is full of possibilities. Take it slow and believe that everything will work out.

If you’re going through big or sudden changes in your life, it’s okay. Even when it’s seemingly bad things, just take it one day at a time. Everything happens for a reason and in time good changes will come about too.

Have you ever had a huge change in your life that you never thought you would recover from? Let me know in the comments below.

Perfect Imperfections: Beauty in Our Flaws

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For the longest time, I didn’t smile. People who know me now may find this hard to believe, but I just didn’t. Not as big as I smile now, I would smile a closed mouth self-conscious smile. Why? Because I have a stain on my two front teeth from when I was a kid. It was glaringly apparent to me and so I practiced smiling without showing teeth in the mirror. It wasn’t until I stopped caring what people might think about me and just loved myself that I began to smile freely and I realized, most people didn’t even notice or care. Most people would just smile back.

It’s easy for us to notice something about ourselves, we are with ourselves every day after all! And we take it and analyze it and look it over. We sometimes will deem ourselves “less than” or “not good enough”. I don’t wear makeup, I’ve worn it perhaps twice in my life both times at Mary Kay parties. If you handed me some makeup, I would probably just use it in one of my crafting projects.

Because I don’t wear makeup, I can easily stare at my face and pick out everything that’s wrong. Sometimes I binge watch makeup tutorials on YouTube and I think, I could correct every little flaw. Then I smile, and I see my less than perfect smile that actually helps to spread joy and I remind myself that it’s okay. I’m perfectly imperfect.

I’m not perfect, but I’m me. And that’s good enough for me.

I’m sometimes fashion challenged and yes if you look hard enough you might catch me wearing one red sock and one green sock for no reason at all except that it might have amused me for the day. And for the people who get the courage to ask about all my stretch marks, I can tell them about Pemphigus and help spread awareness. When they hear I’m a chef, they think there might be a more exciting story about a battle with the deep fryers, but all the same it opens up conversations with complete strangers.

I find it curious, it’s much easier for me to see the beauty in a lot of other people then what they see in themselves. It’s something about comparison and the race for perfection, that we could all just improve ourselves just a little bit more but never actually arriving. But really, the imperfections? The things that set us apart and make us less than perfect? Are beautiful.

It’s uniquely ours, every scar tells a story. Every line holds a memory.

So embrace your imperfections and your flaws, you’re beautiful. Just the way you are.