The past few weeks have been traumatic to say the least. I’ve still been recovering from the blow that this may be my reality for the rest of my life. I’ve always clung to the thought of being better one day, somehow. Once that slipped away from me, I wasn’t sure what to do and my depression came back in waves.
The gripping truth of the matter settled heavily on my mind, my pain went from bad to worse and I couldn’t even write for a while. I asked my physical therapist about it and she gave me a few things to help strengthen my hands, but with how rainy it’s been my pain has just gone into overdrive. They said it’s normal for pain like mine.
Some days I feel like I don’t understand, it seems like as soon as I conquer one part of living with chronic pain and illness something else comes that totally throws me for a spin.
Being unable to write for the short amount of time left me alone with my thoughts (when I wasn’t going vegetable mode watching Netflix) and I realized it is the way we grow. We struggle with the storm and as I talked about in a previous post, sometimes we may even learn to keep our eyes on Jesus and walk on water.
The trials of the world seemed like they were finally underneath me and I had a grip on a much larger reality than myself. But the storm got bigger and I felt God pulling me further and further out to sea, away from all my safety nets. Even writing was unavailable to me for a while, I had no way to vent my emotions and I fell. Drowning in the sea of troubles.
I couldn’t find myself.
All I saw was darkness and despair, all I felt was that my hope was ridiculous and I drowned. It was as though I had cracked but couldn’t repair myself this time, but slowly, surely over the past few weeks I felt Jesus reaching out his hand and I finally took it. Pulling me above my thoughts, above my pain, above my frustrations and now I take a tentative step forward.
I’m not used to being a water walker and I’m sure with the next big disappointment that comes my way, I may forget who I am and start to drown again. But I also know, when you feel like absolutely nobody else in the world feels precisely how you do at this moment, you are never alone. He’s always walking with us, guiding us and comforting us.
Taking us deeper still, to painful, yet beautiful, places we have never been before.
Here’s a song that resonated with me while I was going through: