I had lost my peace. It’s a sad fact, but I did. I was so happy with discovering who I was, I was so sure that everything would work out. That this pain would not be forever. The lack of sleeping has only gotten worse, my head hurts and I try to lay down and sleep but my body hurts too much to even go to sleep. My doctor believes that physical therapy will help relieve some of the pain and I start today. I feel the flickers of hope and I grab on to it tightly.
How did I lose my peace?
I looked at the storm. I looked at the storm and the waves directly, I allowed my joy to be stolen by people. I couldn’t handle the stress that overcame me and I slid over the edge. But before I went all the way, I reached out. I spoke up, I said, I’m not okay. Normally, when people damage my emotions I withdraw, away from everything and everyone and I let the darkness consume my mind. Now I practice release, I let it all out. I can’t afford to hold it in anymore. Not when I’m so close to a breakthrough that I can feel it.
Everything is coming against me stronger than ever, my mind and body are both frazzled, but I can just see the light. I know good things are right around the corner. I know that I can’t give up. I know that no matter what anyone says or does, I know who I am and I know that I am loved.
A lot of people know that Jesus walked on water, but Peter did too. Even though it wasn’t for very long.
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” – Matthew 14:28-30
Like Peter, I became a water walker. I was living strongly by faith and hope and trust. That no matter what storms were going on in my life, I was okay. I could do anything as long as I kept my eyes on Jesus. As I came under attack from those I did not expect it from, I became broken and afraid. In my brokenness, my physical pain intensifies because I can’t quite fight the pain as much as I would like and it’s basically just a mess of emotions and pain. I began to sink.
Lord, save me.
He did save me and he saves me still. I am so blessed, to have a family that loves me as they do. To have my boyfriend, who is also my best friend; who has always been with me through it all and lets me pick out whatever I want to watch on Netflix! I am blessed to have friends who check up on me and during my bad days, they pick me up. I am blessed to have connected with so many new writer friends through the Ragged Edge writer’s conference who support me, understand me, love me and pray for me.
I look at all these blessings in my life and I look away from the storm. I focus on the light, I focus on Jesus. And I’m able to take one more step, I’m able to go one more day. I know that things will get better, it’s really only a matter of time.
Even though we are all locked in the fight right now, the battle is already won.
When we’re overwhelmed by our struggles and by the things that try to drag us down. We can rest assured that as long as we keep on fighting, nothing can stop us.